Inside the Rebellion of Saints

this is for all the kids who glow in the dark. I'm the narrator and this is just the prologue.

Posts tagged dreams

0 notes &

A hole within my being

See there’s this hole inside my heart and in my chest. 

I carry it with me throughout the day, all 24 hours, and wherever I go.

They remind me of what I don’t have and want/need or what I had and don’t have anymore.

I feel empty and incomplete.

Basically I feel this strong desire to be loved, and feel a complete lack of it.

Of course I have amazing friends, I’m blessed with a beautiful family (lately I’ve been clinging to them) and I KNOW that Christ loves me (and I likewise). I know this is everlasting love that satisfies.

NONE OF THIS IS NEWS. I know it and choose to believe it.

But God where are You going with all this?

but is it too much to ask for genuine earthly love? And when will I know it when I see it? Because I thought I knew, but everytime I’ve been wrong. And this fact definitely stunts my optimism for the future.

I reach out and pour out my soul into everything I do and to everyone that God has graced into my life.

Is it wrong to desire that in return?

I’m tired of being broken, my heart smashed - only to glue it together again and have it yet again trampled.

I know this vicious cycle will continue to happen until God decides it’s time for my vocation to unravel before me.

but until then is it FAIR or NORMAL to be THIS unhappy?

I try and offer things up to the Lord, to PRAY - I PRAY so much. I sincerely do, but it is so hard. 

I feel so hopeless.

I’m exhausted with the up and down - roller coaster.

I’m tired of the mood swings and the emotional stress.

I want to be loved as much I love.

I want mutuality and companionship. 50/50.

I want a fighter, defender, and leader.

Someone who will at least TRY to sweep me off my feet. 

To see me as I see them.

I don’t want to feel like it’s just being faked. 

I’d rather not be “loved” than to have to whispered in my ear half-heartedly.

It hurts worse.

Is that too much?

I’m breaking apart at the seems.

Torn to shreds.

I TRY SO HARD to LOVE unconditionally through thick and thin.

To lay it down at His feet.

Because I realize LOVE is a DECISION and not The Notebook (I’ve got that message LOUD and CLEAR).

But is it supposed to be this lonely?

Am I supposed to feel this empty?

I’m SO ready to get out and move on with my life.

To leave this town and start pursuing whatever God has in store for me.

I WANT TO START OVER.

I want to be made new.

and please LORD make me WHOLE.

not broken.

no more tears, no more let-downs, no more crushed dreams, and failures, high expectations and slaps in the face.

I’m so broken.

God.

Please Lord, take it all away.

Amen.

——

I’m NOT trying to vent, to worry or concern anyone, and I’m not asking for pity or sympathy. This is honestly what I am feeling right now, this is a plea. This is also consolation. If you are feeling this way or have felt this way - I want YOU to know that YOU ARE NOT ALONE.

prayers would be gratefully accepted and appreciated.

Also I will pray for anyone and everyone who asks. Just leave me a message, I won’t ask questions - just tell me if you need prayers :)

Filed under hole heart love life friends family God Christ desire believe alone plan dreams life pain truth

3 notes &

Last night my bff Mary Harley came over and we watched “Titanic” past midnight.

Jack died.

He always tends to do this when I watch this movie.

why oh why?

-darn him-

No I didn’t cry this time.

SUCCESS!

I’m left feeling like I’ve just witnessed the pinnacle of perfection & future teenage daydreaming.

This movie is stuck in my head like a song.

As it has been for the past 7 months.

Can tragic ends be beautiful?

Or do they just leave you dreaming?

Filed under titanic teenage life movie dreams daydreams tears perfection song beautiful jack dawson sleepover so very stereotypical

173,477 notes &

Please take your time to read this.
This is Lizzie. She has a brain tumor and currently gets surgery almost everyday. She is only 4 years old and she just has ONE BIG DREAM. To meet Justin Bieber!
Now i know tumblr can make people their dreams come true. i know we can help this girl making her dream come true.
please reblog this and spread the world. it only takes 5 seconds for you and it could make a dream come true.
We all deserve to have our dreams!

Please take your time to read this.

This is Lizzie. She has a brain tumor and currently gets surgery almost everyday. She is only 4 years old and she just has ONE BIG DREAM. To meet Justin Bieber!

Now i know tumblr can make people their dreams come true. i know we can help this girl making her dream come true.

please reblog this and spread the world. it only takes 5 seconds for you and it could make a dream come true.

We all deserve to have our dreams!

(via 1901sun)

Filed under dreams life girl justin bieber we can do this! love compassion empathy reblog

4 notes &

Believe

So after all those one night stands
You’ve ended up with heart in hand
A child alone
On your own
Retreating

Regretful for the things you’re not
And all the things you haven’t got
Without a home
A heart of stone lies bleeding

And for all the roads you followed
And for all you did not find
And for all the dreams you had to leave behind

I am the way
I am the light
I am the dark inside the night

I hear your hopes
I feel your dreams
And in the dark I hear your screams

Don’t turn away
Just take my hand
And when you make your final stand

I’ll be right there
I’ll never leave
And all I ask of you
Believe

Your childhood eyes were so intense
While bartering your innocence
For bits of string
The grown-up wings you needed

But when you had to add them up
You found that they were not enough
To get you in
And pay for sins
Repeated

And for all the years you borrowed
And for all the tears you hide
And for all the fears you had to keep inside

I am the way
I am the light
I am the dark inside the night

I hear your hopes
I feel your dreams
And in the dark I hear your screams

Don’t turn away
Just take my hand
And when you make your final stand

I’ll be right there
I’ll never leave
And all I ask of you
Believe

I never wanted to know
Never wanted to see
I wasted my time
'Til time wasted me

I never wanted to go
Always wanted to stay
'Cause the person I am
Are the parts that I play

So I plot and I plan
Hope and I scheme
To the lure of a night
Filled with unfinished dreams

And I’m holding on tight
To a world gone astray
As they charge me for years
I can’t pay
Yeah

I am the way
I am the light
I am the dark inside the night

I hear your hopes
I feel your dreams
And in the dark I hear your screams

Don’t turn away
Just take my hand
And when you make your final stand

I’ll be right there
I’ll never leave
And all I ask of you

Believe

Filed under God one night stand hopes dreams lyrics quote tran Trans-Siberian Orchestra believe song music dark night screams way light world

12 notes &

I have chosen the Franciscan University of Steubenville.

In the fall of 2012 I will pack my bags, my many many bags, and will move to Steubenville, Ohio.
Leaving behind my pride, friends, family, Church, beloved Diocese & everything I’ve ever known to pursue what I believe God is calling me to.
I told Him I would come, but I never said I’d come willingly.
God truly has a twisted sense of humor.
See it wasn’t all that hard of a decision.
I knew all along what God wanted to say, what He was saying, and all along I knew what I wanted to hear (which, as so often is the case, were not the same things).
I LOVE Belmont Abbey. It is a wonderful college. But for many reasons (details that would make this post farrrrr too long & monotonous) I just knew I wouldn’t ever live on that campus.
I knew I would be happy & comfortable, I would settle & maintain the same life & direction at Belmont.
But I know God is calling me to bigger & greater things.
God isn’t calling me to be timid & mediocre. He wants me to be bold & courageous! I have to be a big girl & face my fears.
But how can you be comfortable & grow at the same time? Impossible.
People expect nothing less of me.
At Franciscan I won’t just maintain my Faith, I will grow in my Faith. It has everything I need to be a wonderful youth minister & a passionate woman.
I’m planning on getting a double major in Education & Catechetics with a focus in youth ministry.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN MORE SCARED IN MY WHOLE LIFE.
But at the same time I’ve never been more peaceful knowing that this is exactly where God wants me to go to fulfill what He wants me to do.
It’s not easy to follow God’s will, particularly for me who is in fact a control freak, but where He leads I will follow.
Because any time spent in God’s time is time not wasted.
And if I truly follow His will for me, I know I will not regret it, and everything I will sacrifice & leave behind will not be without worth.
God’s got a big plan for me.
He’s not finished with me yet.
:)

Filed under Franciscan Steubenville college life God plans dreams youth ministry goals church family friends pride belmont abbey

2 notes &

The Play

Watching the clock as the hours tick by.
Life like this hardly seems real.
Another life, another time.
If this is a test, I’m failing miserably.
So much of life is like a play.
The plot falls apart and the writer starts again.
We eagerly await our scene on the stage,
With lines we’ve rehearsed a thousand times…
…until we believe our very own lies.
For a play is mere distorted reality.
A script is for those who can’t dream up their own lives.
Obedience to a director is nothing short of slavery.
We will fall to our short memories.
What was it like before my life was written on a page?
Before my heart danced for kings and princes
Upon a humble stage?
My life is a story,
My life is a play.
I must fall into character, or destroy the storyline.
Blunder on stage.
The crowd is dying for a climax.
I, behind the curtain, fall out of context.
This isn’t how it’s supposed to go.
Another day slips by.
A new scene written upon the hour.
When will I be finished?
When the pen is taken from my hands.
The curtain falls.
This story ends.

Filed under poetry play stage life writer reality lies lives dreams kings heart believe time story day