Inside the Rebellion of Saints

this is for all the kids who glow in the dark. I'm the narrator and this is just the prologue.

Posts tagged life

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So after almost 21 years I’ve come to this conclusion:

I’m gonna just live my life and let God take care of the details.

Sounds very cliche, but for real.

I don’t think I’ve ever REALLY let myself go entirely. When I try to micromanage everything in my life I usually ruin it and make things far more complicated than they need to be. Frankly I’m tired and ready to be free of the drama my life has been in the past. The endless extreme highs and lows. Life doesn’t need to be this way. So it finally donned on me…well maybe I really should do what I’ve been claiming to do all along: give it to GOD!

So I’m just gonna live. I’m gonna do my best as the woman I am and the woman I want to be. If I’m caught up in Him and all that He has in store for me I can only expect the best things right?

I’m not gonna push anything, look for anything, I’m just gonna pull a Beatles and LET IT BE!

If God wants to place a man in my life, by all means, but I’m just gonna be chillin’ here. If God decides to surprise me and send me to a convent (and boy oh boy would that be a surprise), I’ll be sitting here doing my thang. 

Right now I can only be satisfied and happy with what I have. It doesn’t make sense to ask for any more or wish I had something I don’t. It makes my life an unhappy one and I don’t wanna be unhappy any longer.

So um yeah. 

Filed under give it god life love faith let it be God

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Our Lady of the Lake representing! (at Steubenville Atlanta Conference 2014)
This past week has been SO beautiful! Not only did I get to serve as a small group leader for a week at the CLI (Catholic Leadership Institute) retreat for our diocese, but I was also able to be the “youth minister” for our little group that went to the Steubenville ATL conference. It was so great to let God use me & then sit back and watch Him at work in these teens hearts. Literally AMAZING. I was so honored and proud to serve them and LOVE them more importantly. I think I learned as much from them as they did from me. 
I have so much hope for the young Church.
After two years of being at Franciscan learning the Faith more and being served, it was nice to actually serve again! if nothing else this week of continually craziness really confirmed that the Lord is calling me to serve the Church as a youth minister. And boy oh boy is it a vocation! I have so much more respect for youth ministers now & what they do after literally experiencing it firsthand truly for the first time. It’s so much responsibility but a joyful cross to carry none the less!
This was my 4th CLI retreat & 6th Steubenville conference. I learned so much from both not only in high school when I attended, but also this time as a leader.
And for the first time at a Steubenville conference I actually got up and responded to the vocations call to religious life. NEVER in a million years did I think that would ever happen. But I decided I couldn’t claim to have given everything to Christ if I never allowed myself to be truly open to serving Him in this way. It seemed entirely natural. Like “it’s time to surrender this too, Mary Beth.” I honestly couldn’t tell you 100% where He’s calling me now. And that’s a first for my life, since I’ve always “known.” But considering that I still haven’t met the “one”, I figured it was time to keep my options open and maybe let the Creator of the Universe figure it out. I surely haven’t done a good job on my own. And for the first time I really feel satisfied and at peace with the whole thing.
"…wherever You would call me…"
So yeah I don’t really know anything except that I need to keep working on a lot in my life and growing closer to God. I needed this week to really renew that perhaps and it did. Sometimes you forget the little things along the way. All I wanna do is serve Him forever & always anywhere and everywhere that takes me. I haven’t stopped yet and I’m not planning to. I’ve never told God no, but perhaps it’s time to take it a step further. 
It’s time to start discerning! *cringe* I’ve never said that before! And it feels weird but good. haha
Your will be done, not mine. 

[oh and btw my brother got up for the vocations call as well. He didn’t just get up, HE RAN to the feet of the priest. I have never been so proud & surprised in my whole life. God is so infinitely good.]

Our Lady of the Lake representing! (at Steubenville Atlanta Conference 2014)

This past week has been SO beautiful! Not only did I get to serve as a small group leader for a week at the CLI (Catholic Leadership Institute) retreat for our diocese, but I was also able to be the “youth minister” for our little group that went to the Steubenville ATL conference. It was so great to let God use me & then sit back and watch Him at work in these teens hearts. Literally AMAZING. I was so honored and proud to serve them and LOVE them more importantly. I think I learned as much from them as they did from me. 

I have so much hope for the young Church.

After two years of being at Franciscan learning the Faith more and being served, it was nice to actually serve again! if nothing else this week of continually craziness really confirmed that the Lord is calling me to serve the Church as a youth minister. And boy oh boy is it a vocation! I have so much more respect for youth ministers now & what they do after literally experiencing it firsthand truly for the first time. It’s so much responsibility but a joyful cross to carry none the less!

This was my 4th CLI retreat & 6th Steubenville conference. I learned so much from both not only in high school when I attended, but also this time as a leader.

And for the first time at a Steubenville conference I actually got up and responded to the vocations call to religious life. NEVER in a million years did I think that would ever happen. But I decided I couldn’t claim to have given everything to Christ if I never allowed myself to be truly open to serving Him in this way. It seemed entirely natural. Like “it’s time to surrender this too, Mary Beth.” I honestly couldn’t tell you 100% where He’s calling me now. And that’s a first for my life, since I’ve always “known.” But considering that I still haven’t met the “one”, I figured it was time to keep my options open and maybe let the Creator of the Universe figure it out. I surely haven’t done a good job on my own. And for the first time I really feel satisfied and at peace with the whole thing.

"…wherever You would call me…"

So yeah I don’t really know anything except that I need to keep working on a lot in my life and growing closer to God. I needed this week to really renew that perhaps and it did. Sometimes you forget the little things along the way. All I wanna do is serve Him forever & always anywhere and everywhere that takes me. I haven’t stopped yet and I’m not planning to. I’ve never told God no, but perhaps it’s time to take it a step further. 

It’s time to start discerning! *cringe* I’ve never said that before! And it feels weird but good. haha

Your will be done, not mine. 

[oh and btw my brother got up for the vocations call as well. He didn’t just get up, HE RAN to the feet of the priest. I have never been so proud & surprised in my whole life. God is so infinitely good.]

Filed under Catholic catholicswag steubenville steubenville conferences Atlanta God is church churchretreat diocese of charleston CLI Christian Jesus God vocations Youth Ministry personal life love cross

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I hope you fall in love
With someone who always texts back and never lets
You fall asleep thinking you’re
Unwanted.
I hope you fall in love with someone
Who holds your hand during the scary parts of
Horror movies and burns
Cookies with you when you’re
Too busy dancing around the
Kitchen.
I hope you fall in love with
Someone who sees galaxies in your eyes
And hears music in your
Heartbeats.
I hope you fall in love with someone who
Tickles you and makes you smile
On hard days and on easy
Ones.
But beyond all that I hope
You fall in love with someone
Who will never leave you behind
And who will never take you
For granted, someone who
Will stand by you when you’re
Right and stand by you
When you’re wrong,
Someone who has seen you at your worst
And has loved you
Still.
I hope you fall in love
With someone who
Kisses you in the rain
And hugs you in the cold and
Wouldn’t have you any other
Way.
Wouldn’t It Be Wonderful, l.h.k. 

(Source: ive-been-john-watsoned, via skltnclq)

Filed under love true love romance marriage life please want personal quote inspire relationships

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When he says
He doesn’t love you anymore,
Roll your shoulders back
And look him in the eye
Even when it feels like your ribs
Are breaking inward, like spider legs.
When he digs up old aches
That he swore he forgave you for,
Smile
And ask him why he didn’t leave you sooner.
Ignore the way the words feel like sandpaper
Running all the way up your throat to your mouth.
When he blames you
For mistakes that wear his face,
Do not scream.
Do not cry.
Tell him that there are boys
Who would be proud to say they’d loved you.
Tell him that in two years
You won’t even remember his name
And don’t let him see the way you can taste your own lie.
When he leaves
Ignore the howling in your blood
And do not get up after him.
Not even to lock the door.
Do not, do not
Do not.
Smell his shirts when you box them up
To give them back.
Not one.
Swear off dating when you realize
You’re chasing ghosts that wear his smile.
It’s okay to cry over him.
It’s even okay to forgive him.
But do not go back to him.
If he did not know how to love you the first time,
He won’t know how to do it the next.

How To Pretend It Doesn’t Hurt, by Ashe Vernon 

^this is literally brilliant. 

(Source: latenightcornerstore, via fearlesskindalove)

Filed under life romance heartbreak heartache pride dignity girl power strength

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The issue at hand…

I’m completely happy being single, for the first time in my life, and praise God for that. Truly.

Because if I weren’t so content with life I’d be miserable.

You see, here’s the truth. 

I’m completely in love. 

He’s one of my best friends. My companion. He stole my heart months ago. And when I was overseas I’d wake to hear his voice ringing through the hall. 

I had a habit of fitting perfectly into his always warm arms. He felt like a shelter. But there would always be the smell of alcohol and cigarettes on his breath and often a drunken smirk on his lips. I knew I couldn’t fall for him, but I did. Imperfect and broken I did. Many late nights I’d stroke his hair while he cried into my lap and asked me why he couldn’t chase his demons away. 

I’d pray every day that he’d change. That the man inside him would come out. The gentle heart I saw in the early morning hours would somehow make a way through and put to rest all the pain I often felt tied up in his chest. 

And there was progress. But still so many scars. Oh so many scars.

I hurt because he did. And overtime I felt how intimately our hearts were intertwined. Sometimes the weight of it all was unbearable. And I’d break down. 

Oh we fought like a married couple and we laughed like young lovers. And often times I had to force myself to resist his kisses. 

I am his rock. And he is the object of my dreams. A somewhat broken reality.

Then there was that night when I finally gave in. His kisses felt like a dream and me so small, there trembling in his arms for hours and hours. He kissed away the tears that fell on my cheeks. I knew he wasn’t mine. But for one night perhaps it wouldn’t be too bad to just pretend for a while. And so we did. Oh he thanked me for being the one he could always turn to. He told me how perfect I was while he traced the lines of my body. He knew the boundaries that couldn’t be crossed. And I was surprised how he could contain his passion like a gentleman. Still I felt so alive. The sun blared through the window and we hadn’t yet slept. 

He said how he didn’t deserve me. I told him that I knew. 

"I’ve never loved another quite like I love you." I said. 

"You know me. You know my story. Why? Why do you stay? What have I ever done to deserve you?" He looked deep into my eyes - somewhat quizzically, perhaps in awe. 

"I don’t know," I said. "Perhaps nothing."

And I held him in my arms, contemplating why God does what He does. Why he put this soul in my life and my heart and why I couldn’t keep him forever. Oh why must I wait?

I didn’t want to forget a moment. I closed my eyes and tried to capture the smell of his skin, the warmth and the way he felt as I slowly stroked his hair. 

Moments this intimate aren’t quickly forgotten. They play over and over in my head. 

Oh yes, he has a place in my heart. No matter how broken or damaged.

No one quite understands, and admittedly I don’t either. But he is a piece of me I cannot quite tame. 

And herein lies the dilemma.

Everything has changed. 

And when we meet again we must face what we’ve done. I know you and you know me. And though I haven’t lost myself entirely, I now know intimately what it’s like to taste your tears. To see you in your most vulnerable state. 

Perhaps it will be awkward. And maybe everything will change.

I may grow to regret those hidden moments where my heart was not held secret from you. 

But for now I must wonder. And ask God why. Why the world does what it does and leads men to fall from grace. Why a heart so broken could be led to mine. And what the purpose is that he holds in my life. 

I may never know. But for one moment, maybe months it seems, I have known what it’s like to love infinitely and unreservedly, without fear. I know what it is like to love the unloveable. 

For I’ve fallen, quite madly it would seem, in love with you. In a way I can’t describe. It’s not like the songs or the movies. No - I fell in love with your soul. The battle you face every day. And I’d fight it for you. Because I want  to see you free. Even if that freedom doesn’t lead you to me. Because I love you unconditionally. 

And that will always be enough. 

Filed under life love longing desire personal

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PSA: ATTENTION ALL MY LOVELY FOLLOWERS!

Hello y’all! Well so far college has been one hell of a journey for me and you’ve all been there with me every step of the way through all the ups and downs. This next step in my college career takes me to Gaming Austria to spend a semester abroad. This is my first time leaving the US and flying over seas! I’m so nervous but excited as well!! I’ll be joining around 170 students from my school and we basically are relocating for 4 months to our sister campus in Austria! It’s a pretty sweet deal :) I’ll be visiting many countries and making pilgrimages to various holy places. I’ve decided that for this kind of adventure I’m going to need a separate blog … so I created one! Please be sure to check that out: findingmyselfinaustria.tumblr.com
Please hit me up with questions and prayer intentions!!
See you on the other side :)
Peace and Blessings, Mary Beth

Filed under austria gaming new blog college life personal