Posts tagged personal
Posts tagged personal
they come back, they always come back.
So I was living in Europe for four months this spring. In case you didn’t get a chance to look at my other travel blog (findingmyselfinaustria.tumblr.com) here are some highlights from my adventures!!
Our Lady of the Lake representing! (at Steubenville Atlanta Conference 2014)
This past week has been SO beautiful! Not only did I get to serve as a small group leader for a week at the CLI (Catholic Leadership Institute) retreat for our diocese, but I was also able to be the “youth minister” for our little group that went to the Steubenville ATL conference. It was so great to let God use me & then sit back and watch Him at work in these teens hearts. Literally AMAZING. I was so honored and proud to serve them and LOVE them more importantly. I think I learned as much from them as they did from me.
I have so much hope for the young Church.
After two years of being at Franciscan learning the Faith more and being served, it was nice to actually serve again! if nothing else this week of continually craziness really confirmed that the Lord is calling me to serve the Church as a youth minister. And boy oh boy is it a vocation! I have so much more respect for youth ministers now & what they do after literally experiencing it firsthand truly for the first time. It’s so much responsibility but a joyful cross to carry none the less!
This was my 4th CLI retreat & 6th Steubenville conference. I learned so much from both not only in high school when I attended, but also this time as a leader.
And for the first time at a Steubenville conference I actually got up and responded to the vocations call to religious life. NEVER in a million years did I think that would ever happen. But I decided I couldn’t claim to have given everything to Christ if I never allowed myself to be truly open to serving Him in this way. It seemed entirely natural. Like “it’s time to surrender this too, Mary Beth.” I honestly couldn’t tell you 100% where He’s calling me now. And that’s a first for my life, since I’ve always “known.” But considering that I still haven’t met the “one”, I figured it was time to keep my options open and maybe let the Creator of the Universe figure it out. I surely haven’t done a good job on my own. And for the first time I really feel satisfied and at peace with the whole thing.
"…wherever You would call me…"
So yeah I don’t really know anything except that I need to keep working on a lot in my life and growing closer to God. I needed this week to really renew that perhaps and it did. Sometimes you forget the little things along the way. All I wanna do is serve Him forever & always anywhere and everywhere that takes me. I haven’t stopped yet and I’m not planning to. I’ve never told God no, but perhaps it’s time to take it a step further.
It’s time to start discerning! *cringe* I’ve never said that before! And it feels weird but good. haha
Your will be done, not mine.
[oh and btw my brother got up for the vocations call as well. He didn’t just get up, HE RAN to the feet of the priest. I have never been so proud & surprised in my whole life. God is so infinitely good.]
It takes a LONG time to accept this.
but it’s something that you need to grasp in life.
I’m slowly embracing it.
Rejection isn’t a reflection on my personhood, it’s a direction forward to something greater.
I’m completely happy being single, for the first time in my life, and praise God for that. Truly.
Because if I weren’t so content with life I’d be miserable.
You see, here’s the truth.
I’m completely in love.
He’s one of my best friends. My companion. He stole my heart months ago. And when I was overseas I’d wake to hear his voice ringing through the hall.
I had a habit of fitting perfectly into his always warm arms. He felt like a shelter. But there would always be the smell of alcohol and cigarettes on his breath and often a drunken smirk on his lips. I knew I couldn’t fall for him, but I did. Imperfect and broken I did. Many late nights I’d stroke his hair while he cried into my lap and asked me why he couldn’t chase his demons away.
I’d pray every day that he’d change. That the man inside him would come out. The gentle heart I saw in the early morning hours would somehow make a way through and put to rest all the pain I often felt tied up in his chest.
And there was progress. But still so many scars. Oh so many scars.
I hurt because he did. And overtime I felt how intimately our hearts were intertwined. Sometimes the weight of it all was unbearable. And I’d break down.
Oh we fought like a married couple and we laughed like young lovers. And often times I had to force myself to resist his kisses.
I am his rock. And he is the object of my dreams. A somewhat broken reality.
Then there was that night when I finally gave in. His kisses felt like a dream and me so small, there trembling in his arms for hours and hours. He kissed away the tears that fell on my cheeks. I knew he wasn’t mine. But for one night perhaps it wouldn’t be too bad to just pretend for a while. And so we did. Oh he thanked me for being the one he could always turn to. He told me how perfect I was while he traced the lines of my body. He knew the boundaries that couldn’t be crossed. And I was surprised how he could contain his passion like a gentleman. Still I felt so alive. The sun blared through the window and we hadn’t yet slept.
He said how he didn’t deserve me. I told him that I knew.
"I’ve never loved another quite like I love you." I said.
"You know me. You know my story. Why? Why do you stay? What have I ever done to deserve you?" He looked deep into my eyes - somewhat quizzically, perhaps in awe.
"I don’t know," I said. "Perhaps nothing."
And I held him in my arms, contemplating why God does what He does. Why he put this soul in my life and my heart and why I couldn’t keep him forever. Oh why must I wait?
I didn’t want to forget a moment. I closed my eyes and tried to capture the smell of his skin, the warmth and the way he felt as I slowly stroked his hair.
Moments this intimate aren’t quickly forgotten. They play over and over in my head.
Oh yes, he has a place in my heart. No matter how broken or damaged.
No one quite understands, and admittedly I don’t either. But he is a piece of me I cannot quite tame.
And herein lies the dilemma.
Everything has changed.
And when we meet again we must face what we’ve done. I know you and you know me. And though I haven’t lost myself entirely, I now know intimately what it’s like to taste your tears. To see you in your most vulnerable state.
Perhaps it will be awkward. And maybe everything will change.
I may grow to regret those hidden moments where my heart was not held secret from you.
But for now I must wonder. And ask God why. Why the world does what it does and leads men to fall from grace. Why a heart so broken could be led to mine. And what the purpose is that he holds in my life.
I may never know. But for one moment, maybe months it seems, I have known what it’s like to love infinitely and unreservedly, without fear. I know what it is like to love the unloveable.
For I’ve fallen, quite madly it would seem, in love with you. In a way I can’t describe. It’s not like the songs or the movies. No - I fell in love with your soul. The battle you face every day. And I’d fight it for you. Because I want to see you free. Even if that freedom doesn’t lead you to me. Because I love you unconditionally.
And that will always be enough.
Hello y’all! Well so far college has been one hell of a journey for me and you’ve all been there with me every step of the way through all the ups and downs. This next step in my college career takes me to Gaming Austria to spend a semester abroad. This is my first time leaving the US and flying over seas! I’m so nervous but excited as well!! I’ll be joining around 170 students from my school and we basically are relocating for 4 months to our sister campus in Austria! It’s a pretty sweet deal :) I’ll be visiting many countries and making pilgrimages to various holy places. I’ve decided that for this kind of adventure I’m going to need a separate blog … so I created one! Please be sure to check that out: findingmyselfinaustria.tumblr.com
Please hit me up with questions and prayer intentions!!
See you on the other side :)
Peace and Blessings, Mary Beth
I fell in love with him slowly and then all at once.
His very presence in my life caught me off guard. I wasn’t looking for him. I wasn’t looking for love. It just appeared in the form of a man I’d never expect to fall for. But I did. Deeply.
Everything about him was different, and a bit awkward, strong yet gentle. I could tell he was going places…and I wanted to see where.
So I just went with the flow. You know how life goes. There’s no stopping it and certainly it can’t be controlled (at least not by me). I lived in a constant fear of messing things up and maybe in some ways I did. I can’t seem to follow rules. But some things were worth breaking. Like my ego and pride - I couldn’t pretend to be anything around him. Something about this guy made me be inexcusably myself - I loved it.
Things became comfortable and routine - yet he always kept me on my feet.
—- I can’t believe I’m talking about this in the past tense. —-
Though I may never see him again - I will remember every detail. The way his tongue catches on his teeth when he talks, his smell, the warmth of his cheeks, the softness of his hands, the persistence of his lips against mine and how we gasped for breath.
The kindness he always showed to everyone and how carefree he was - made me in turn want to be a better person.
He brought peace to my mind and rest to my soul. I liked it. Somehow I felt he was a blessing from God - one I could wrap my arms around.
I could hardly contain myself around him simply because I felt alive.
When I finally admitted to myself that I loved him…I knew it was done.
Now I have to let you go —- for a while at least. It’s breaking my heart, but a piece of you will always be with me.
Please don’t forget about me.
"I fear the day that I do not receive Holy Communion. This bread of the Strong gives me all the stength I need to carry on my mission and the courage to do whatever the Lord asks of me. The courage and strength that are in me are not of me but of Him who lives in me — it is the Eucharist." — St. Faustina
Okay so please put me as the source for this! I posted this picture 3 years ago. A friend of mine named Chris Kurfoot made this as his senior art project.
…people say I have a problem with it.
And well yes that might be true. I came out of the womb kicking and screaming, because despite being 10 days late I wasn’t ready in my own mind to be thrown out into the world. I’ve been kicking and screaming my way through life ever since …I suppose you could say.
I have a habit of going right simply because I was instructed to go left.
Like the late James Dean, I fancy myself to be a rebel without a cause (hence my blog name…among other reasons).
I think the truth of the matter above all else is this: I value my freedom (of both speech & action) as well as my God-given free will above anything else in life. I don’t trust people who tell me what to do, because frankly the only person I believe anyone has to answer to is God. And honestly how can anyone be sure of whats best for me if they don’t walk in my shoes? It’s quite rational really.
When it comes to people in positions of authority…I often wonder how they could fancy themselves to be anything better than what I am. We are all the same, all fallen creatures, all children of one Divine Being who lives outside of time and space. Obedience to anyone other than God in my opinion is slavery. I will be a slave to no one.
Most people that claim to be “bosses” or “managers” don’t take the time to earn my trust or respect, it’s either naturally assumed or demanded. This isn’t the right way to go about anything. I will never respond to demands.
I live by a certain code of rebellion.
I live by my own rules.
This rant is now over.
Thanks for listening/reading.
I fell in love with the way he breathed. His voice when he spoke to those around us. His presence when he walked into a room. Sometimes it was just enough to know he was near. I carry him in my heart and replay his voice over in my head when we are apart. I fell in love with the way he touched my heart and made me feel alive. The glow I could feel growing inside me, shooting life back into my soul. I fell in love with the man he was trying to be - and the woman he somehow made me in the process. The soft touch of his hands was the warmth I needed.
I lost my grandmother last week.
I’m working a great job and though I love it, it’s slowly draining me physically and mentally. Working 16 hour days every day will do that.
I made some poor choices in college this semester, which led me to be a woman I wasn’t proud of. I have to live with that and all those consequences. It’s haunting and I feel like it looms over my head. Though I passionately feel God’s mercy towards my heart, I still feel like I’m trying to live it down and everything seems to be a constant reminder of how I have failed in one way or another. The devil has a habit of doing that to us. But he’s not gonna win this time. But all of life is not doom and gloom. There are some good things.
I have an incredible friend in my life and he continues to just radiate this joy that electrifies my soul. Its incredible and I see how God is working through him to heal my heart and teach me things that I didn’t know about myself or the world. He’s renewed my faith in the reality of good people in the world, but more importantly the existence of good guys. I honestly thought were extinct. But I live in a constant state of losing him because I just in my core believe that I’m not good enough. Somehow I’m gonna mess it up —- this is a real fear and it’s eating me up inside, trying to overwhelm my joy.
But God is good, and He is faithful —- so very faithful to me. It often blows my mind.
Prayers would be appreciated honestly.
In life all I want is to be loved. Its not easy I know. But I promise if you stay I’ll never leave you alone. You’ll never grow bored. I promise to always make our life together an adventure.