Posts tagged personal
Posts tagged personal
It’s important today. The past year has been one of the hardest. I lost everything and gained so much more in return. I’ve lived more to my potential then ever before - because each day has counted. I’ve wanted to put every day behind me with purpose.
I’ve come a long way from the little girl I was one year ago. And as the woman I am today, I wish there were things I could tell her. How could I have known back then, just who I would become?
But no. If I could tell myself then what I know now I would say that’s it’s going to be okay, you can be happy and alone.
I’m so proud of the woman I am today and that is something I’ve never been able to say before.
I really like the way this is worded :)
because this picture makes me happier than any human being will ever do in a lifetime…I am posting it.
ya’ll all will have to deal.
Because rain or shine, adult or adolescent - pathetic as it may seem - i have been and always will be a fangirl.
All moved in and ready for my junior year!
<3 (at franciscan university)
they come back, they always come back.
So I was living in Europe for four months this spring. In case you didn’t get a chance to look at my other travel blog (findingmyselfinaustria.tumblr.com) here are some highlights from my adventures!!
Our Lady of the Lake representing! (at Steubenville Atlanta Conference 2014)
This past week has been SO beautiful! Not only did I get to serve as a small group leader for a week at the CLI (Catholic Leadership Institute) retreat for our diocese, but I was also able to be the “youth minister” for our little group that went to the Steubenville ATL conference. It was so great to let God use me & then sit back and watch Him at work in these teens hearts. Literally AMAZING. I was so honored and proud to serve them and LOVE them more importantly. I think I learned as much from them as they did from me.
I have so much hope for the young Church.
After two years of being at Franciscan learning the Faith more and being served, it was nice to actually serve again! if nothing else this week of continually craziness really confirmed that the Lord is calling me to serve the Church as a youth minister. And boy oh boy is it a vocation! I have so much more respect for youth ministers now & what they do after literally experiencing it firsthand truly for the first time. It’s so much responsibility but a joyful cross to carry none the less!
This was my 4th CLI retreat & 6th Steubenville conference. I learned so much from both not only in high school when I attended, but also this time as a leader.
And for the first time at a Steubenville conference I actually got up and responded to the vocations call to religious life. NEVER in a million years did I think that would ever happen. But I decided I couldn’t claim to have given everything to Christ if I never allowed myself to be truly open to serving Him in this way. It seemed entirely natural. Like “it’s time to surrender this too, Mary Beth.” I honestly couldn’t tell you 100% where He’s calling me now. And that’s a first for my life, since I’ve always “known.” But considering that I still haven’t met the “one”, I figured it was time to keep my options open and maybe let the Creator of the Universe figure it out. I surely haven’t done a good job on my own. And for the first time I really feel satisfied and at peace with the whole thing.
"…wherever You would call me…"
So yeah I don’t really know anything except that I need to keep working on a lot in my life and growing closer to God. I needed this week to really renew that perhaps and it did. Sometimes you forget the little things along the way. All I wanna do is serve Him forever & always anywhere and everywhere that takes me. I haven’t stopped yet and I’m not planning to. I’ve never told God no, but perhaps it’s time to take it a step further.
It’s time to start discerning! *cringe* I’ve never said that before! And it feels weird but good. haha
Your will be done, not mine.
[oh and btw my brother got up for the vocations call as well. He didn’t just get up, HE RAN to the feet of the priest. I have never been so proud & surprised in my whole life. God is so infinitely good.]
It takes a LONG time to accept this.
but it’s something that you need to grasp in life.
I’m slowly embracing it.
Rejection isn’t a reflection on my personhood, it’s a direction forward to something greater.
I’m completely happy being single, for the first time in my life, and praise God for that. Truly.
Because if I weren’t so content with life I’d be miserable.
You see, here’s the truth.
I’m completely in love.
He’s one of my best friends. My companion. He stole my heart months ago. And when I was overseas I’d wake to hear his voice ringing through the hall.
I had a habit of fitting perfectly into his always warm arms. He felt like a shelter. But there would always be the smell of alcohol and cigarettes on his breath and often a drunken smirk on his lips. I knew I couldn’t fall for him, but I did. Imperfect and broken I did. Many late nights I’d stroke his hair while he cried into my lap and asked me why he couldn’t chase his demons away.
I’d pray every day that he’d change. That the man inside him would come out. The gentle heart I saw in the early morning hours would somehow make a way through and put to rest all the pain I often felt tied up in his chest.
And there was progress. But still so many scars. Oh so many scars.
I hurt because he did. And overtime I felt how intimately our hearts were intertwined. Sometimes the weight of it all was unbearable. And I’d break down.
Oh we fought like a married couple and we laughed like young lovers. And often times I had to force myself to resist his kisses.
I am his rock. And he is the object of my dreams. A somewhat broken reality.
Then there was that night when I finally gave in. His kisses felt like a dream and me so small, there trembling in his arms for hours and hours. He kissed away the tears that fell on my cheeks. I knew he wasn’t mine. But for one night perhaps it wouldn’t be too bad to just pretend for a while. And so we did. Oh he thanked me for being the one he could always turn to. He told me how perfect I was while he traced the lines of my body. He knew the boundaries that couldn’t be crossed. And I was surprised how he could contain his passion like a gentleman. Still I felt so alive. The sun blared through the window and we hadn’t yet slept.
He said how he didn’t deserve me. I told him that I knew.
"I’ve never loved another quite like I love you." I said.
"You know me. You know my story. Why? Why do you stay? What have I ever done to deserve you?" He looked deep into my eyes - somewhat quizzically, perhaps in awe.
"I don’t know," I said. "Perhaps nothing."
And I held him in my arms, contemplating why God does what He does. Why he put this soul in my life and my heart and why I couldn’t keep him forever. Oh why must I wait?
I didn’t want to forget a moment. I closed my eyes and tried to capture the smell of his skin, the warmth and the way he felt as I slowly stroked his hair.
Moments this intimate aren’t quickly forgotten. They play over and over in my head.
Oh yes, he has a place in my heart. No matter how broken or damaged.
No one quite understands, and admittedly I don’t either. But he is a piece of me I cannot quite tame.
And herein lies the dilemma.
Everything has changed.
And when we meet again we must face what we’ve done. I know you and you know me. And though I haven’t lost myself entirely, I now know intimately what it’s like to taste your tears. To see you in your most vulnerable state.
Perhaps it will be awkward. And maybe everything will change.
I may grow to regret those hidden moments where my heart was not held secret from you.
But for now I must wonder. And ask God why. Why the world does what it does and leads men to fall from grace. Why a heart so broken could be led to mine. And what the purpose is that he holds in my life.
I may never know. But for one moment, maybe months it seems, I have known what it’s like to love infinitely and unreservedly, without fear. I know what it is like to love the unloveable.
For I’ve fallen, quite madly it would seem, in love with you. In a way I can’t describe. It’s not like the songs or the movies. No - I fell in love with your soul. The battle you face every day. And I’d fight it for you. Because I want to see you free. Even if that freedom doesn’t lead you to me. Because I love you unconditionally.
And that will always be enough.
Hello y’all! Well so far college has been one hell of a journey for me and you’ve all been there with me every step of the way through all the ups and downs. This next step in my college career takes me to Gaming Austria to spend a semester abroad. This is my first time leaving the US and flying over seas! I’m so nervous but excited as well!! I’ll be joining around 170 students from my school and we basically are relocating for 4 months to our sister campus in Austria! It’s a pretty sweet deal :) I’ll be visiting many countries and making pilgrimages to various holy places. I’ve decided that for this kind of adventure I’m going to need a separate blog … so I created one! Please be sure to check that out: findingmyselfinaustria.tumblr.com
Please hit me up with questions and prayer intentions!!
See you on the other side :)
Peace and Blessings, Mary Beth
I fell in love with him slowly and then all at once.
His very presence in my life caught me off guard. I wasn’t looking for him. I wasn’t looking for love. It just appeared in the form of a man I’d never expect to fall for. But I did. Deeply.
Everything about him was different, and a bit awkward, strong yet gentle. I could tell he was going places…and I wanted to see where.
So I just went with the flow. You know how life goes. There’s no stopping it and certainly it can’t be controlled (at least not by me). I lived in a constant fear of messing things up and maybe in some ways I did. I can’t seem to follow rules. But some things were worth breaking. Like my ego and pride - I couldn’t pretend to be anything around him. Something about this guy made me be inexcusably myself - I loved it.
Things became comfortable and routine - yet he always kept me on my feet.
—- I can’t believe I’m talking about this in the past tense. —-
Though I may never see him again - I will remember every detail. The way his tongue catches on his teeth when he talks, his smell, the warmth of his cheeks, the softness of his hands, the persistence of his lips against mine and how we gasped for breath.
The kindness he always showed to everyone and how carefree he was - made me in turn want to be a better person.
He brought peace to my mind and rest to my soul. I liked it. Somehow I felt he was a blessing from God - one I could wrap my arms around.
I could hardly contain myself around him simply because I felt alive.
When I finally admitted to myself that I loved him…I knew it was done.
Now I have to let you go —- for a while at least. It’s breaking my heart, but a piece of you will always be with me.
Please don’t forget about me.